TLV Abridged: Scene 8 - Meet the Family - Part 1

Tony: I doubt I'll be safe back here, but what else can I do

Rudolph: Tony, stay quiet. It'll decrease your chances of being heard by them.

Tony: By-- *gasp*

Tony: Wow.

Freda: Oh, yay, you're home!

Rudolph: It's so good to be back. I'm sorry I disappeared for days on end.
Frederick: At least you didn't get cornered and talked to death by those pesky vampire hunters.

Frederick: That didn't happen to you, right?
Rudolph: Oh, heavens no. But you're not going to believe what did happen to me.

Freda: You're not going to say hello to your sister first?
Rudolph: What about Gregory?
Freda and Frederick: The plot device?

Tony: Wow, I thought my home life was screwed up.

Freda: Oh, there's Anna now.

Anna: So, Brother Darling, you simply must tell me all about your latest adventure.

Rudolph: Don't worry, I will, but there's something I've got to discuss with our parents first

Freda: Oh, Rudolph, please do catch up with your sister. She missed you.

Anna: You have no idea.

Frederick: (inner dialogue) Why, oh why, does she have to sound like such an airhead?

Rudolph: So, Father, about where I've been--

Frederick: You're safe and sane. That's good enough for me.

Rudolph: But you see--

Frederick: Rudolph, don't worry, I have everything under control.
Rudolph: But Father, I think I met someone who--
Frederick: Enough
Freda: Frederick.

Tony: Yep, Rudolph wins.

Freda: Oh, no.
Frederick: Is that what I think it is?

Tony: Oh, God!

Gregory: I want!

Tony: I don't think so.

Gregory: Get back here!

Rudolph: (actual dialogue) No, Gregory! He's my friend!

Frederick: Rudolph, unhand that plot device!

Frederick: *is stunned speechless by Tony's presence*

Tony: Um, hi. I'm Tony. I've got a plot and a moral on my shoulders and please don't kill me, sir.

Tony: Please, please don't kill me like you really, really want to! I'm on your side, honest!

Tony: He's gonna kill me, isn't he.
Rudolph: Don't worry. You're fine.

Frederick: So, you think you're something special, eh?

Frederick: Listen to me, and listen closely. I'm a vampire, and this is a vampire movie. I take the plots of vampire movies very seriously, so if you ruin this for vampires anywhere, I swear to whatever deity still listens to us that I will suck every last fluid out of you until you look like a raisin.
Freda: Frederick, isn't that a bit harsh?
Rudolph: Besides, ruining vampires is Twilight's job, and that book doesn't come out for another five years.

*Tony must be scared stiff if his feet are simply hanging like that right now.*

Frederick: I hope you understand that perfectly clearly, because I will only say that once.

Frederick: Do you understand?

Tony: *while half-choking* Yes.

Rudolph: Father, please put him down. You could break his neck.

Frederick: There's one last matter I need to settle. What the bloody H-E-double hockey sticks are you doing here?

Anna: Does he dream about us? He's a rather handsome-looking fellow, I should think. (read: I heard what you thought about me and I want to show you up)

Tony: Oh, wow, this is kinda awkward.

Frederick: Answer me!
Freda: Frederick, dear, please. Be reasonable.

Gregory: If he's a spy or something I swear I'll...

Frederick: He does look rather pale.
Freda: That's my good man.

Frederick: No comment.
Freda: He's so cute. He must be a child star.

Tony: Oh, sweet relief.

Tony: Oh, yeah, that's good.

Freda: Don't tell me you want to eat him now.
Frederick: You haven't the slightest notion.

Freda: I'm sure.

Rudolph: *puppy eyes*

Rudolph: *best "pretty please don't eat him" face*

Freda: You said it yourself, the moral of the story rests on our son's shoulders.

Freda: If you kill the human, what good would that do?

Frederick: (actual line) I never said I would.
Freda: I can see it in your eyes how badly you want to.

Frederick: Very well.

Frederick: You. Leave.

Tony: Is that really necessary, sir?

Frederick: Get out before I track down that uncle you're so afraid of.

Tony: NO! Anything but THAT!

Tony: *takes off running*

Frederick: Wow, I didn't think that would actually work.

Anna and Rudolph: Call me!

Truck: *is awesome*

Tony: Crap! It's behind me, isn't it.